Good morning lovelies!
Despite having only slightly more than four hours of sleep, I’m happy to be awake and alive today :) I haven’t felt joy in a while, so this is a real blessing. I got up at 5:45 and did a quick workout at the gym, and came back to my dorm to enjoy a homemade smoothie, peanut butter, and coffee breakfast. Next up, class, music, etc. I’m performing today in my classical seminar! Wish me luck!


hourglassofhealth:

dreamiate:

#semicolon416 pass it on

This is tomorrow :)

hourglassofhealth:

dreamiate:

#semicolon416 pass it on

This is tomorrow :)

(via h34lthyliv-deactivated20131205)


hello-healthy-life:

last meal at home until friday! a big salad with homemade kidney-bean “meat-balls” and an ugly smoothie

hello-healthy-life:

last meal at home until friday! a big salad with homemade kidney-bean “meat-balls” and an ugly smoothie



Honesty time.

I’ve been having such a hard time this semester with Ed.  I’ve been able to keep my actions in check, but my thoughts, not so much.  I feel enormous and hideous, and it’s exhausting.  I have a hard time focusing on what I need to be focusing on, like school and music.  I shouldn’t put this much value and worth into my looks and how I feel about the way I look, but when I feel like I can’t control anything else, it seems to be my default to bash myself and tell myself I could be doing better if I worked harder.  One of my good guy friends told me in class yesterday that I wasn’t a stick, and it was a good thing, because I have a “nice ass”.  That’s all great, but after spending so much of my young adult life wanting to be a stick, it’s really hard to accept that I’ve got boobs and a butt.  I just feel so huge.  

Side note: I really really hate it when my friends who are in sororities live up to their stereotypes.  (*DISCLAIMER* I am not referring to ALL sororities or sorority girls.  A lot of the stuff they do looks like tons of fun, and I sometimes wish I had the time to devote to something like that) After mine and Victoria’s birthday dinner on Saturday, my friend who is in AGD said, “Y’all, we can’t just go to bed with all these calories sitting in us.  We’ve got to like, walk it off or something.”  Ignorance, much?  And another of my friends who is a Phi Mu was on a protein and fiber smoothie diet that was supposed to last a month.  I just don’t understand why these girls put themselves and each other through such scrupulous criticism to be affirmed and have friends.  

But then again, that’s exactly what I do to myself.  I suppose my Ed has turned into a bitchy sorority girl.  Joy! The only thing is, I purposefully don’t own a scale, and rarely weigh myself when I’m home.  Right now that not knowing, that uncontrolled part of my life is really getting to me.  Finals and juries are coming up, and all I can focus on is how I NEED to lose 5 pounds, or maybe 10.  Ugh.  

Another stress in my life right now: guys.  Mostly my most recent ex.  we dated for about a week in January before I realized that we probably didn’t see eye to eye on some big issues.  So I brought those issues up, and we don’t.  However, despite the fact that we are broken up, we keep making out, talking, and essentially acting like we’re together.  I wish I could just get over him.  But we get along so well besides the fact that we disagree on some faith issues.  I’m too open minded for his taste, and he doesn’t like that we don’t agree on everything.  

So yeah, my life is very blessed and very stressful right now.  And now I have to go get ready to have a fiddle lesson.

Bye :)

Oh! My 19th birthday dinner :) Left to right: Ellen, Maddy (my roomie!) and me.


(via fairynisms)


So my parents went to Harry Potter world and brought me back a stuffed Fawkes the Pheonix.  When they gave it to me, my mom said, “This is because we think you’re an expert at rising from the ashes.”

My parents are awesome.


daily reminder: the more calories you eat the faster your body can fix itself
daily reminder: if you're not recovering from your eating disorder you're dying from it
daily reminder: numbers can not measure your worth
daily reminder: food tastes way better than skinny feels
daily reminder: love and appreciate your body because its the only one you have
daily reminder: accept the things you can not change
daily reminder: recovery ends in self love
daily reminder: treat yo self


How do you stop seeing it?

(via agirlnameddylan)


My mom is the best.

My mom is the best.


FIRST EVER Nashville NEDA Walk

Tomorrow.  This is the biggest event I’ve ever organized! I may not sleep at all.  Donate if you can! http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR/NEDAWalk/General?fr_id=2150&pg=entry


My legs are sore, my heart is confused, and my brain is exhausted.

And I’m just starting my music theory homework.

Woo college….


Q
I can't seem to mentally allow myself over 500 calories a day. And I know that's not good for me. I hope this isn't triggering; I just wanted to tell someone.
Anonymous
A

I know the feeling.  When I was at this stage, my therapist and mom staged an intervention, and told me I had to make progress or they would put me in the hospital with a feeding tube.  
Honestly, this is one of the biggest challenges you’ll face in recovery.  It’ll also be a huge stepping stone for you once you get past it—and YOU CAN.  It won’t be easy, but it’s far from impossible.  
Try taking it one day at a time.  Plan out your meals for 600 calories a day, and once that feels more comfortable (it won’t feel right for a while, so you have to keep pushing) you can up it to 700, 800, etc.    That’s what I had to do, and it was incredibly painful and helpful.
This is nonnegotiable.  This is your life and health and happiness.  You can do this.  And if you need me at any time, I’m here!  You’re not alone.  You’re never alone in this.