I’ve been having such a hard time this semester with Ed. I’ve been able to keep my actions in check, but my thoughts, not so much. I feel enormous and hideous, and it’s exhausting. I have a hard time focusing on what I need to be focusing on, like school and music. I shouldn’t put this much value and worth into my looks and how I feel about the way I look, but when I feel like I can’t control anything else, it seems to be my default to bash myself and tell myself I could be doing better if I worked harder. One of my good guy friends told me in class yesterday that I wasn’t a stick, and it was a good thing, because I have a “nice ass”. That’s all great, but after spending so much of my young adult life wanting to be a stick, it’s really hard to accept that I’ve got boobs and a butt. I just feel so huge.
Side note: I really really hate it when my friends who are in sororities live up to their stereotypes. (*DISCLAIMER* I am not referring to ALL sororities or sorority girls. A lot of the stuff they do looks like tons of fun, and I sometimes wish I had the time to devote to something like that) After mine and Victoria’s birthday dinner on Saturday, my friend who is in AGD said, “Y’all, we can’t just go to bed with all these calories sitting in us. We’ve got to like, walk it off or something.” Ignorance, much? And another of my friends who is a Phi Mu was on a protein and fiber smoothie diet that was supposed to last a month. I just don’t understand why these girls put themselves and each other through such scrupulous criticism to be affirmed and have friends.
But then again, that’s exactly what I do to myself. I suppose my Ed has turned into a bitchy sorority girl. Joy! The only thing is, I purposefully don’t own a scale, and rarely weigh myself when I’m home. Right now that not knowing, that uncontrolled part of my life is really getting to me. Finals and juries are coming up, and all I can focus on is how I NEED to lose 5 pounds, or maybe 10. Ugh.
Another stress in my life right now: guys. Mostly my most recent ex. we dated for about a week in January before I realized that we probably didn’t see eye to eye on some big issues. So I brought those issues up, and we don’t. However, despite the fact that we are broken up, we keep making out, talking, and essentially acting like we’re together. I wish I could just get over him. But we get along so well besides the fact that we disagree on some faith issues. I’m too open minded for his taste, and he doesn’t like that we don’t agree on everything.
So yeah, my life is very blessed and very stressful right now. And now I have to go get ready to have a fiddle lesson.
Oh! My 19th birthday dinner :) Left to right: Ellen, Maddy (my roomie!) and me.